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Regular filtered apple juice is the wonderbread of juices, a crime against both apples and mankind

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cookie dough is one of those things you know you shouldn't be eating as a snack and yet you do it anyway

Can we all agree that news articles and blog posts that don’t show you the date they were written are just the worst?

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Trying a new toothpaste tonight. Pretty excited.

Yo momma so fat she exceeds the capacity of traditional data processing software

One was because my phone number was somehow listed as the front desk or something AND the previous person had debt problems... So that was interesting, between regular people/customers just calling me, and debt collectors thinking I’m lying to them. Once I even got a lawyer call me about a lawsuit against the company... fun place to work, haha

One place was because I happened to have a similar name to the old CFO, so I’d get sales calls, and I’m like “I’m not the CFO... and he left the company several years before I got here...”

Why am I only person that gets unwanted phone calls on my work phone??? I’ve worked at 3 different places now where none of my coworkers dealt with that, but I get them regularly...

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People sometimes ask me if I'm as sarcastic in person as I am on the internet.

It'd be better to ask my wife. She is the one who "enjoys" dealing with me day in and day out.

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@pikachu it feels like the law of tandem-taught classes. 1 professor must be nice and super excited to teach and be there. The other 1 would definitely make your final be a knife fight if allowed

I had a dream I was fighting a toucan.

It was a worthy opponent.


Bananas taste pretty good after brushing your teeth.

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Yesterday I found a whole range of pokemon branded sparkling water (each pokemon has a different taste)

Just heard a joke about Fibonacci. It wasn’t the first I’ve heard, but it was worse than the last two combined.

“Big Sandwich Hates Him”

Learn this one SIMPLE trick for a stunning sandwich eating experience.

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The obvious choice is ofc to ban evil

You cannot be evil if it's banned

We need a Muppets: Lord of the Rings.

Frodo: some human actor
Samwise: Kermit
Gandalf: Gonzo
Aragorn: some human actor
Legolas: Pepe the shrimp?
Gimli: Miss Piggy
Gollum: Animal?

You can’t just leave chocolate chips on the counter. I WILL eat them.

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Just a general instance with a catchy name.